Life has awkward moments

*Sorry this took so long, but I have written and erased this so many times over the past 3 days trying get some kind of point into words.  It may not be eloquent but it’s the best I can do! I can’t try to re-write it again.*

Now I know there are those moments you can’t avoid no matter how hard you try. The you are walking towards someone and you both step the same way, step the same way again, stop exchange a laugh and walk on. The walking too quickly around a corner in the student center and hitting someone (shout out to Shannon here).  The opening a door and then can’t figure out who should go in first. The oh I really thought you were my friend so I waved frantically and now you are looking at me like I’m crazy (because that person has never done it themselves).  These could go on and on and these are just the things that happened to me today. 

But what about those moments in life we make awkward?

 For instance I am the type of person who is completely ok sitting in silence.  As a matter of fact I am usually utterly lost in my own mind when this happens. Typically though, if we are sitting with someone we feel the need to fill every second with conversation.  And what’s even more awkward than the pauses is when you both fall silent and are wondering if the other person feels uncomfortable. You know you are both sitting there wondering if the other person wants to talk, but you can’t come up with anything monumental to say.  

Or when you encounter someone you don’t really know well (this one is awkward from every angle). You can walk past but worry that they will think you are rude. You can say hi and smile, but they might not remember you.  And if you stop to talk do you sit down with them or just stand there? Or if you are the one that is stopped how do you end the conversation? These situations make you both so uncomfortable!!

We also all feel the awkwardness when we worry what people will think of us. I know as a girl I constantly get in fights with my self-esteem and worry about everyone’s thoughts all the time. I worry if I come across as a nerd with my harry potter obsession. I worry if my personality is too loud or annoying. I worry if someone doesn’t want to talk about God when I bring it up. I wonder if my friends wish they had picked someone else. These are all thoughts that have plagued me before and I’m sure some similar have plagued you.

As I was typing all this I realized one thing that interconnects all of these moments. WORRY!! And I am the queen of worrying and anxiety. Actually, for lent I tried to give up worrying (this just meant every morning when I woke up I would hand my day over to the Lord and any time during the day that anxiety set in I would pray for peace and guidance) but it didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped. The question I have faced all year and especially during that time was how to stop the worrying.

To be honest with you I don’t know any cure-all to get rid of the worry. Something I have been working on is remembering when judging myself and others that we are all children of God and He knows exactly who we are and who we are meant to be. I also try to catch myself in the act of judging and remember the Lord’s love for that person. One of the most profound things someone ever said to me was “the Lord is proud of you”. Ariel told me this one night when I was feeling particularly unwanted.  Something so simple moved me so much!!

Unfortunately this isn’t an amazing and definite answer to the problem of worrying, but I hope this is a thought that will help you survive the worries that bombard us all every day. Remember that you are the Lord’s child and He loves you and is proud of you. Remember that you are who you are meant to be!! And don’t spend your time worrying about what other people think of you just worry what the Lord thinks of you!!!! It is easier to talk the talk than walk the walk on this one, but I hope somehow this will impact you in some way even if you just think about it once when you are judging. As long as this helps someone somewhere…

MISCHIEF MANAGED

*and because Shannon thinks I should have something at the bottom of each one:

Current book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Quote of the day: “they look like wizards trying to be muggles”-Shannon (while watching the royal wedding)

Baby Steps

My entire day has been filled with thoughts of what to post first. I have rants and messages roaring through my head, but I have decided to start slow, with baby steps. I'm not going to sit here and vent for an hour (although I can pretty much guarantee I will at some point). Instead I will start with the basics of who I am.

I am an elementary education major at Auburn University. I question my decision almost daily, but more often than my questioning God reassures me this is what I am meant to do with my life. And hey even if it isn't I will know in two weeks when I do my pre-teaching. Sometimes I sway to the side of my family and feel as if I should go into a "smart person major", but my passion is in education. Yes I have always been able to make A's without studying, but that doesn't mean I have to be and engineer or a doctor. As someone once told me I'm not wasting my intelligence I am passing it on. I have fought for this major for two years now and I will continue to stand strong as long as I feel it is my calling.

I am a home town girl through and through. I mean I was born in EAMC just down the road. Not to mention the fact that my mom went to the same junior high, high school, and college as me. Sometimes I feel as if I am cursed to roam the plains for ever more stuck in one place. And this is yet another conflicting thought. I am so fearful of change and yet I don't want to be stuck. This is one of those decisions I am completely relying on the Lord for.

The funny thing is that even though I say I fear change I have become a completely different person during my freshman year of college. (I guess I would be more correct to say I fear making the decision to change). Anyways through this first year in college I have come out of the darkest place I have ever been, and hope to ever be. I left behind a toxic friendship in high school and found true friends through my new church and sisterhood. The people I surround myself with constantly lift me up and keep me going. They truly saved me and I will be grateful to all of them always.

I AM A READER. I'm probably a bit crazy about my books. They are my prized possessions!! Moving into my dorm in fall the hardest thing I had to do was leave one of my bookcases behind. I can completely immerse myself in a book and not come out for days. Honestly I probably get too emotionally attached to the characters in my books but that's the only way I know how to operate. If you ever find me without a book it is a rare occasion and it probably means I am having a bad day so beware!

I may have broken out of my shell quite a bit, but I am still extremely shy. You can make me blush just by looking at me. I promise, try it some time!! Despite this I am a performer. I may be a wallflower and want nothing more but to blend in in a crowd but put me on stage in a spotlight and I will shine.

Really I am much too complicated to try to spell out and like everyone else I am constantly growing. Honestly I can't even really explain myself. If you want to know ask one of my best friends about me and they will give you the truth (and you will get to experience that blushing I mentioned earlier). I live for the love of my friends, family, and the Lord. I am really just stumbling through this life trying to make them and myself proud. At this point I can say I am doing pretty well and that is truly an accomplishment!!

Now that I am done trying to unravel the mysteries of myself I am ready to go full steam ahead!! Hopefully from now on I won't ramble, although I am a rambler be warned!! And I promise you I have forgotten over half the things I intended to say so I'm sure more will come. For now though...

MISCHIEF MANAGED